Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
This toilet bowl is my home.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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