i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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