If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I want her autograph on my taint
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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