i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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