I skipped work to stalk him.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
