The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize