So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
