ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
