A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
This baby is an asshole
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
