id be glad to
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize