May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize