I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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