My boss' voice literally gives me gas
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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