so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
