Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
