Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
