She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
