just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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