Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
