God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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