dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
