WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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