I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
