I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
