Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
