just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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