I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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