matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I have fence marks all over my body
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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