she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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