yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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