i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
