I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
you had me at cake vodka
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
