it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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