Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
