I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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