never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
