Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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