My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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