i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Did I show you my penis last night?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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