Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you win again, gameday.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
