i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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