can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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