in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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