she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
