It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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