Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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