We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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