I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
