Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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