Please, let me fuck your mom
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
