guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
