Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
We're too hungover to prance.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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