Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
