i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
