Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Well I just put wine in my tea
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
