got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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