picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
