I hate all girls vehemently.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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