you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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