its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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