He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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