ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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