she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
