I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
