btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
don't judge my taste in strippers
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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