so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
