cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
