Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
