my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
