well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
